


Almost

by ExistentialMalaises



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Porn, Blues, Break Up, Emotional Sex, F/M, Jazz - Freeform, Post-Break Up, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-22
Updated: 2018-01-29
Packaged: 2019-03-08 08:12:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13454103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ExistentialMalaises/pseuds/ExistentialMalaises
Summary: Six weeks. Forty-two days. Thousand and eight hours. Give or take. She wasn’t counting. She was just lost. It was six weeks ago when Steve ended things with her and ripped her heart open. Six weeks ago and she was still hurting, still bleeding…Everyday. The same train.Everyday. The same unidentifiable faces.And yet she saw Steve in all of them.





	1. Almost Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stuck in a local bar on a Friday night and under the thrall of jazz music, [Y/N] can’t get rid of her memories of Steve…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the first part of a three-part story about trying to move on after Steve Rogers breaks up with [Y/N]. I suggest you listen to [this song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z4PKzz81m5c) while you read this story.

Hundreds of roaring voices carried through the brown expanse of [Y/N]’s favorite bar, each one of them with a heavy drink in their hands and a tale of their own… one of friendship, one of negligence, one of growing up, one of heartbreak, one of a happily ever after, one… one of many. 

The night was booming with couples in love hunched together, with flock of friends who came together to forget their troubles at the end of the week, and with some lonesome parties of one who, she hoped, came for the melancholic music.

To her left there was the band: four jazz artists tucked away in the corner, playing a sad song; despondently grazing their fingers over the white and black keys of the piano, reaching deep within themselves to blow air into a magnificent trumpet, and barely striking a set of drums with a pair of sticks. One after the other, they performed a solo with their instrument, and the vocalist lamented their words into the microphone… eyes shut, mouth open. _Almost Me. Almost You. Almost Blue._

The trumpet was her favorite. 

Another tulip-shaped whisky glass with the golden-brown liquid was placed in front of her on the rough wooden table, and her empty glass was taken away. [Y/N] brought it to her lips, the taste of smoked wood and decadent fruits stronger this time. She let it roll over her tongue for a second, savoring the numbing quality of her chosen drink, and then the burn down her throat was allowed to swallow her whole. 

A soft nudge on her arm made [Y/N] look away from the band, and she refocused her attention on her group of friends, huddled together in the cramp timber booth. Four heads were directed at her, eyes fixed and eyebrows furrowed, glancing at her with a kind of nervous worry. Her expression brightened, the music made her forget… It made her _remember_ , and she had not realized her now-recurring sadness was showing again.

“Are you alright?” One of them asked, and as she sat up straighter her arm rubbed against another friend. Another recurring theme in her life for the last six weeks. Worried friends. Worried because he ended things with her, and she had been so in love… She thought he was too… and yet, he ended things. Worried because she had become different, she had withdrawn into silence, because what was there left to say? 

“I’m fine. Really,” [Y/N] said, and the corners of her mouth lifted into a smile. Authentic, artificial, did it matter? They had discussed this already, and nothing had changed. That was the problem, wasn’t it? She still loved him. It was hard not to. 

Two years ago. Almost two years ago. That’s when she had fallen in love with Steve Rogers. She was a fool in love. And it had happened so easily. It had only been a couple of months before that when she had started working for the Avengers. She had been fortunate, really. After having lost her long-standing job with S.H.I.E.L.D., an occurrence the man she loved was technically to blame for, she got her foot in the door at the Avengers Tower, because of Maria Hill. An old work friend. Maria had needed someone she could trust, and [Y/N] had been tired of her boring desk job after S.H.I.E.L.D. It had worked out. 

She handled the logistics, she implemented the new policies the Avengers came up with, she was at their beck and call. Steve was their leader, but they worked as a team, which meant there was a lot of conflict, growing arguments and heated discussions, so Steve became her contact point. She provided him with necessary information, and she executed the required tasks. It was exciting to work for the Avengers. It was thrilling to be in such close proximities with Steve, and so he made it too damn easy. 

Steve was kind and cordial, but distant… He didn’t treat her any different from any other employee at the Tower, so she didn’t dare dream about anything else… though that, he made quite hard for her. After working for the Avengers, after working with him, on a day-to-day basis for almost a year, she noticed the changes. He lingered, he asked questions, he listened, but it was always about the job. It was never personal. 

But then came Tony’s New Year’s Eve cocktail reception… It was a fancy party, so she wore a fancy dress. It was a lacy royal blue dress with bare shoulders but long-sleeved arms, and ended just above her knees. If she spun around in it, the fabric would sway with her. It made her feel beautiful and elegant. And Steve would finally see her in something other than her business clothing and in a non-work setting. It had been nerve-wrecking… but she showed up, and when he laid his eyes on her and glanced all the way down to her black pumps… well, those damn butterflies woke up and trashed around in her stomach. Something had to be done. 

After directing her eyes away from him, to the ground, then around the room… from her left to her right… purple-pink rays of light flashed before her eyes, familiar happy faces, hypnotizing bodies undulating to the throbbing rhythm of the music, the vibrant bar… A drink would do right now. [Y/N] pirouetted on her feet and walked towards it. She tapped her fingers impatiently on the glowing counter and leaned forward, but the bartender was on the other side and he was not bothering to look her way. 

“Want a drink?” She heard Steve’s voice next to her, he was leaning on the counter with his elbow, his hand lifting… and the damn bartender noticed it immediately.

A tall woman swept [Y/N] into Steve’s soft chest when she wriggled between [Y/N] and whomever was standing on [Y/N]’s other side. A free bar made the people rowdy, especially on New Year’s. Big, warm hands steadied her, the tips of his fingers reaching her naked shoulders, and Steve glared behind [Y/N]. A silly feeling in the pit of her stomach made her tense up. A drink. A drink would do right now. 

“It’s ok, Steve. How about that drink?” She said, and his eyes lowered back to her, his face brightening slowly. 

Once he ordered her a gin and tonic and himself a bourbon whisky, the two walked towards a high-rising table where some of their other colleagues had already gathered, and they got to talking. The non-work related talking. Steve asked her about her holiday plans, showed an interest in her hobbies, inquired after her family life, and she might have mentioned that there was no significant other. She returned the questions and then some. He would remain in the City to partake in a tradition that he shared with his old friend, Bucky, since he didn’t have any real family left outside of the Avengers. That was kind of a mood killer, and Steve rubbed the back of his neck stiffly. Luckily a waiter brought more drinks, so that helped. 

The thing about trying to fit into a pretty little dress was that she didn’t eat until her belly was full, which had been smart because those butterflies might’ve sent her running to the bathroom otherwise, but it also meant that gin and tonics were deceptive drinks. [Y/N] really shouldn’t have been sipping on so many of them. Before she knew it, the echoing strains of strings and percussions had dulled, a certain edge that was no longer there. The smoke from Tony’s cigar from the other side of the high table twisted upward in the air, a soft chalky white cascading around the coruscating purple-pink party lights, and she blinked in amazement. 

“Are you alright, [Y/N]?” Steve asked her, his warm fingers on her shoulder again, making her glow with ambition. 

A very dangerous kind of ambition. 

Her mind was buzzing with a liquid courage… and she leaned forward, trying to stand higher on her toes even though that was barely possible in her high heels. Steve’s eyes widened then lowered to her mouth, his own lips parting… was it to speak or to…? She didn’t know, because her fingers rested on his bicep, and she brushed her nude-stained lips over his before she had any time to process what her body was doing. He hesitated, somewhere in the back of her mind she made a note of that, but that note wasn’t enough to unnerve her, and she pecked him again, tilting her head so their noses wouldn’t bump. 

A small puff of air was drawn in by Steve before he moved his lips along with her, softly, hardly caressing her. And the warmth of his fingers, they had somehow found their way to her neck, but then he stepped back and cleared his throat. [Y/N] opened her eyes, his face had turned three shades redder, and when she turned to her left she realized why. Their table of colleagues stared at them in silence… until Tony broke it with one of his painful remarks. 

“Oh, _fuck_ ,” she said, coughing suddenly when the heavy vapor of Tony’s cigar perforated her nose. Suddenly her mind was clear, that edge that she was missing earlier, it was back with a vengeance. [Y/N] spun around on her heels, the lacy fabric of her dress swaying swiftly, and she darted towards the coat room. What was she thinking kissing someone she worked for in front of all of her colleagues?! A New Year’s resolution? Never do _that_ again!

“[Y/N]! Wait!” Steve marched her way, and her body began to flush, burning even in her face. In the distance behind him, at the same table they had been standing, some of their direct colleagues gazed their way. For secret agents, they weren’t very secretive. Steve stood still in front of her, blocking her previous visual. “Don’t go just yet…” 

She clung to her jacket, “Why?”

“We’ll have to fill out some forms, but… once you’re back from your holiday, would you like to go out with me?” 

That had been two years ago. She had been a fool. He had been… everything she ever wanted. It was the evening when everything had changed for Steve and her, and now just the thought hurt. 

Oh, if only she could forget… him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you give this story some kudos and comments if you're enjoying it. Receiving your feedback makes the experience ten times better! You can also find me on [Tumblr](https://existentialmalaises.tumblr.com/).


	2. Almost You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So what if she has so many happy memories with him? He chose to tarnish them all by breaking up with her… [Y/N] leaves her friends, not wanting to be constantly reminded of him… but everything reminds her of Steve.

“You don’t look fine?” [Y/N]’s friend who sat across from her in that cramp timber booth stretched out her hand, placing it on [Y/N]’s arm, nudging gently. The lights dimmed momentarily, dark shadows marked their faces, and the song had come to its conclusion. A disquieting hush descended over the hazy bar packed with hundreds of deafening voices. She couldn’t think like this. 

“That’s because I’m exhausted. This week’s been so busy,” [Y/N] said when her friend nudged her again.

“Did you see him?” Another friend asked, and [Y/N] averted her eyes… No, she hadn’t. Of course she hadn’t. He had done his best to make sure that they could keep working in the same building, smoothly and effortlessly, without having to run into each other. She couldn’t think like this. Not with their constant questions… and their worried eyes that reflected her shame and sadness. 

The pianist slouched over their instrument, their fingers gliding lightly over the keys, and with each new key they stroked, they guided [Y/N] further into the song… into her trance, away from her friends… back to him. And then came the crestfallen pleas of the trumpet, gradually accompanied by the pulsating beat of a drum, it drowned out everything else. Hundreds of roaring voices. Worried eyes. None of it mattered. The slow melody was as heavy as her heart, soothing her blues and inflaming her yearning. Her body lifted itself, “I-I, no… I didn’t. I should go. Catch up on some well-deserved sleep.” 

At a slow pace [Y/N] dragged herself through the gloomy streets of this desolate City. Groups of young bodies passed her by. Their faces were obscured by their dark hoodies to shield them from the patchy drizzle, and all [Y/N] saw was their ghostly smiles. Their ear-splitting laughters resounded through the silent streets… There was a time when she was like one of them. A time when things didn’t feel so… senseless. 

A happy time when she woke up at six o’clock, and his broad body was already awake next to hers, taking up most of the bed and waiting for her to turn around so he could pull her closer into his arms… into his loving warmth. He’d shower her with his lazy kisses, one hand grazing in her neck and the other sliding up and down her body… clasping her leg around his waist, then finding the small of her back, the curve of her ass, and the space between her breasts. Soon enough, his kisses wouldn’t be lazy anymore but heated and inspiriting. 

“I can never get enough of you…” Steve had said, biting her shoulder, drawing out her moans. 

“ _Ahh_. Don’t stop.”

And he didn’t. The mornings had become the favorite part of her day, because Steve made sure she never left the bed without a satisfied smile on her face. And after he made her smile, sometimes two or three times, she’d reward him with a breakfast of his picking. Sweet muffins, cereals, pancakes with maple syrup, bagels and cream cheese, or eggs. Whatever he wanted, and usually he wanted eggs… She had done this thing, after an especially satisfying morning together in bed and in the shower; the yolk of an egg was already broken… so instead of eggs with the sunny side up, she turned the yolk into a smile. _A smile for a smile_ , she had said, and after that day… he never ate his eggs differently.

Then came the hardest part of their morning, when they both had to go to work and function properly… Loving glances, unnecessary caresses, drawn out conversations… They were distracting, but she wouldn’t have changed any of it, if she had had a choice. Their colleagues knew about them, of course. How could they not after she had foolishly kissed him in front of almost all of them. But they were supportive. Thrilled even that Steve finally found someone, and Maria… Maria, her old friend, had been happy for [Y/N]. And it meant they didn’t have to make an attempt at pretending, but could simply be happy together. Just not inappropriate at work. 

“What about tonight?” Steve had lingered at her office after one of the brainstorm sessions with the group.

She smiled, glancing up at him, and shook her head. “Not tonight. Meeting up with friends, remember?”

“Oh, shoot…” — He studied his watch, his mind probably calculating where he could plan in _whatever_ it was that he wanted to plan in — “Lunch break in bed then?” Steve grinned at her, a hand rubbing the back of his head, and she sat back in her desk chair… her legs spreading without even realizing. 

“Or the kitchen… I _will_ have to eat you know.” 

“We’ll multitask,” Steve had said, taking a moment to gaze at her, her smile growing when he caught a glimpse of her legs, before he returned to a training room.

Most nights, after work, they cooked together. She cooked. He helped and chatted. They’d do the dishes together afterwards. He cleaned and she dried. They had their routines. They were set in their way. They’d talk about their day-to-day business, she’d tell him inane but funny stories about her interactions with the other Avengers. He’d smile with his eyes. He always did that. He had this way of glowing, beaming, with just his eyes. It warmed her heart, and it reassured her… that this was true… that he was it for her. _He was it all_. [Y/N] would tease him, provoke him… anything, to get laughs out of him. It wasn’t hard. Not even on his most stressful days, and he had a lot of those. She managed to loosen up those big muscles, to soothe his worries… and then he’d pull her into his arms, thankful, his head on her chest, listening to her calming heartbeat, telling her how he couldn’t imagine life without her. 

As it turned out… that had been a lie. 

When darkness had fallen, and they had grown tired of cuddling on the couch whilst watching a movie or reading a book — something they didn’t tire of easily, so they fell asleep far too late — their sleepy figures would finally head to the bedroom, his or hers… but together, to undress one another, to nourish and care for each other… They’d brush their teeth, making moony eyes in the mirror, not understanding what the other was saying with their toothbrush in their mouth. She’d convinced him to try out new face creams, and he’d let her apply it to his face every night, enjoying how gentle she was with him… Steve would rub her feet with this citrusy lotion that kept her skin soft and smooth, and his rubbing relieved some of the tension that had built after walking around all day in heels. They’d smile calmly on the bed, caressing and massaging, slow tunes coming from the radio to keep their minds distracted, until Steve would pull her closer by her feet… or she would push him back on the mattress and straddle his hips. They would roll around on the bed, pajamas soon discarded, legs tangling, arms roaming. Hungry kisses urged all the blood down to her folds, swelling them, sensitizing them, her figure coiling and trashing… until he emptied her out with his lips, then filled her up with his cock. 

Steve was always sweet.

_Always_.

But he could be so consuming… so compelling too. 

Just the thought alone stirred parts of her body into action. His tall, broad body pretty much took up the space anywhere in her apartment. In her bed, in the shower, on the couch, even at her dinner table he managed to somehow surround her with his warmth, his hands, his kisses. And she took up space in his apartment in her own way… a drawer all to herself in his dresser for her underwear and other basic garments, a holder for her toothbrush in his bathroom so she wouldn’t have to bring hers over each time and lose it somewhere, some pillows and candles to make his bare living room seem warmer and actually lived in, a big green mug just for her raspberry infused mint teas, her slippers by the door, their picture on his coffee table… extra spices for in his spice rack so she could always cook her favorite dishes… 

So many painful reminders of their love. 

And he wasn’t around anymore to soothe her jagged nerves like he used to. It had been so hard, so lonely without him… He wasn’t there to stop her tears from falling, to tell her everything was going to be ok… that it might hurt right now, but she’d get better. She didn’t think she could… now that he took his love away. She went about her business, she woke up every morning, but there were no smiles… only tears. She would drag herself out of bed and into her shower, then she’d force herself to make breakfast. It was cereals or a muffin. No hassle. Something that didn’t require any effort. Not eggs. There were no more smiles. Then came the long, lonely train ride to work. 

Everyday. The same train. 

Everyday. The same unidentifiable faces. 

And yet she saw Steve in all of them. 

No longer did she look up, no longer did she want to see his face. So [Y/N] averted her eyes, she scrolled on her phone or she opened a newspaper and was confronted with more sad news in the world. She was not alone in her suffering. Hearts were broken everyday. 

Was that supposed to make her feel better? She couldn’t tell… She didn’t feel much at all, nothing good anyway, no matter how much she told herself that she was going to be alright. Her words held no meaning. The words… they didn’t come from him. 

All those blue skies, they were grey now. Everything had gone up in smoke, and had become hard and rough. Her mornings. Her work. Her once thrilling tasks now drained her, but at least it distracted her mind. She had to pay attention or mistakes could be made. Perhaps that pressure was good. And she rarely ever saw him at work now… 

He had requested from Maria that someone else take over the tasks that meant close contact with [Y/N]. It hurt too much, he had said, and he needed time. 

Time and space. 

But how was she supposed to go from seeing him on a daily basis… at work and at home, to not seeing him at all? To be avoided, to be discarded… like she hadn’t mattered at all. Like none of it had. The early mornings, the smiley faces, the decorum at work, the animated conversations, the quiet moments, and the long nights. 

What did any of it matter? 

She grimaced when another group of people passed her by. She was nothing like that anymore, like the carefree and hopeful. A fool in love. [Y/N] glanced up at the starless sky, and slowed down her steps… she had reached her destination. Only a soft glint of a crescent moon, thinly veiled by the looming clouds, casted some light on this sordid City. It was fitting, she supposed. Everything had changed. Now there was a hardness to her face and a certain wretchedness to her words. She was a broken soul with a bleeding heart, who was walking the streets to avoid her loved ones, arriving at the doorstep of the last person she should see… the only person she really wanted to see.


	3. Almost Blue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After arriving at his doorstep, [Y/N] does everything she shouldn’t…

The sedated walk through the dreary streets had dampened her hair. [Y/N] ran her fingers through it, trying to brush away some of the specks of water, trying to make sure she didn’t look as drenched and miserable as she felt. She had been caught underneath the looming grey clouds that were in a state of grief, releasing fine, colorless teardrops from the darkened sky until they spattered all over the cold brick stones. When would all those clouds disappear?

She was shivering now, waiting for him to open the door, as a sudden wind of unease crept all over her figure, tightening its unwanted — but maybe necessary — hold on her. Her face was moist from the rain and her tears, her fingers were almost numb, and maybe she shouldn’t have come. She took a step backward, away from that all too familiar door, when he opened it. 

“[Y/N]?” His voice was groggy, like he had been trying to sleep but failed. Just a regular night for him. He stood in the doorway with his restless eyes and spruce hair, even at this forsaken hour, and the words that had been so strong in her mind were now forgotten on her lips.  “It’s the middle of the night. Is everything alright?” 

She shook her head, “I’m here, so no. Everything isn’t alright.”

With a downcast nod he flattened his broad shoulders against the door so she could pass. She took a step forward into his home, hesitantly. This was a mistake. She knew it, but she couldn’t stop herself. Her bleeding heart hurt too much… She’d take any kind of mending, if only for a night.

“Have you been drinking?” He asked after he gave her a thick towel to dry her hair, her face, her neck… He took her coat, and put it away somewhere where the water and dirt on her coat wouldn’t cover the floor. Her face flushed. What a pitiful creature she must have seemed, showing up on his doorstep looking… like this. What a forlorn woman had he reduced her to.

“A drink or two,” she said, and he crossed his arms… thinking… judging… pitying.

“Let me get you some water.”

“No, it’s fine.”

“Clearly it isn’t.”

“Well, you don’t get to take care of me anymore. You chose that, remember.” She spat out, a tear running down her cheek. She didn’t mean to. She didn’t know what she meant. Well, she did know. He knew too. This hadn’t been the first time, but the second. How she wished it would be the last. It hurt too much like this, and just like her… he was weak too. He couldn’t send her away. It only made things worse.

Steve sighed, “I do.”

“I’m, just… I didn’t know where else to go.” 

“So let me get you that water. Come.” He walked to his kitchen, and she dried her naked legs too. After she removed her shoes and placed them at his door, for a second considering to leave, she followed him with the damp towel in her hand. He stood upright behind the counter, his back straight and tense, and reached for a glass.

“Maybe some tea instead?” 

He glanced over his shoulder, the muscles down his back visibly straining in his white shirt. “To warm up?” 

“Yeah…” Her voice softened, a terrible affection swelling around her heart. 

“Raspberry mint?” He averted his eyes, lowering his arm and resting both of them on the counter he stood behind. He still had her favorite tea. His shoulder blades rose and fell softly, and she curled her fingers in her hands. But when she didn’t answer him, he pushed his arms off the counter and turned towards her completely… the kitchen island between their bodies.

She inclined her head then, her eyes focusing on her fingers, not daring to look back at him, because her heart was in his hands now. She was still falling. Even now… after six weeks. It still felt like plummeting through the blackened sky without any control, without any direction… without even any land in sight. Everything was shadowy, and cold, and tender… and she didn’t know how to land. She didn’t know how to stand. And Steve, he was her executioner and her deliverance. One way or another, he released her. 

[Y/N] heard him turn back around again and reach for two cups to make tea. She let out a breath as silently as she could, stretching her fingers, and sat at the kitchen island on one of the high chairs. He didn’t look back at her, he didn’t talk to her, not until their teas were ready and he took a seat in a chair next to hers. “Here you go.” 

“Thanks…” The uncomfortable tension coiled around them bit by bit. She blew on her hot tea to will it away, but it wasn’t working. A spiral whiff of raspberry infused with mint wafted out of her green cup, and she closed her eyes, letting the warm steam tickle her chin and savoring the happy moments they’d shared together, right here, talking about their day, snuggling, teasing, kissing… while their teas cooled down to a drinkable temperature. 

“How… how are you?” Steve asked, the tips of his finger touching his blue mug.

“I’m just… you know.”

“Yeah.” 

“It’s… I think I’m doing better. I do all the things I need to do to move on, to keep my mind distracted from… from everything. But then I see you in the faces of people in the crowd when I’m waiting on my train, or it’s the overwhelming coldness next to me in bed that prevents me from falling asleep… It’s a song that I hear at a local bar on a Friday night that reminds me of us, and I get bad again. ” 

“I know. I’ve that too.” 

“You do?” 

“Yeah, just the other day…” — Steve sighed — “I was making breakfast, some toast with bacon and eggs, and the yolk broke… and I absentmindedly turned it into a smiley face.” 

“The way I make them.” [Y/N] nodded knowingly. Once she had set aside the negative things she was thinking about herself for being here, she found it was easy again. Easy to speak. Easy to share. Because it was with Steve. Her best friend. She was so used to talking with him everyday about the smallest and most inane details of her life, and now she wasn’t even supposed to share the most important ones with him. It’s why she ended up here. One of the reasons. 

Steve tapped his fingers on the kitchen island. “It didn’t make me smile this time…”

“I, just, I miss you so much it hurts,” [Y/N] said on the brink of tears, her voice cracking, and she thumped her hand against her chest, “It hurts here. It hurts _so_ much.” 

“I know…” — He stopped her hand, his long fingers curling around hers — “I know, sweetheart.”

She glimpsed at their connected hands, and she wondered if he was conscious of how his thumb gently caressed her skin. His touch, it was still so soothing, still so warm, still everything she needed. It hurt so much to still want him, but she couldn’t stop. 

“Then how come I’m the one who shows up at your doorstep? Again?” [Y/N] rose from her chair, trying to avert her eyes because the tears were actually rolling down now, but he knew all her tactics, he knew how she behaved… After two years, he knew _her_. 

And so he stood up along with her, not letting go of her hand, slumping his shoulders to find her eyes, so she wouldn’t be able to close off. “It’s ok. It’s my fault.” He pulled her into his warm, loving arms after he brushed away the fallen tears from her cheek. “It’s my fault.” 

“Your fault?”

“I should’ve never let it get this far. I should’ve known from the start that it couldn’t work. It never would.” 

“Fuck, can you not!” [Y/N] pushed herself out of his arms, the same old frustration returning. The one she had ever since he ended things… over his stupid reasons. She couldn’t even hate him for it, because they came from a good place. Oh, how she wanted to hate his guts. It would’ve made things so much easier. She wouldn’t be here then, looking for things that were beneath her. “There’s no point to this… to any of this… I just want to… I don’t know.” 

“I’m sorry.”

“Stop fucking saying that. It doesn’t make anything better!”

“I’m hurting too…”

She could see the pain in his blue eyes, it was as clear as day, and it only worsened her own pain in return. A fucking cycle of suffering. She pinched her nasal bridge, trying to still the headache that was building inside of her from the tears. “No, I know.” 

It had only been a little more than six weeks ago, and right in this room too, on his couch, when he sat her down and broke her heart. Shredded it to fucking pieces. She had thought things were going well. He had seemed slightly more preoccupied than usual, but Steve was always busy in his head, and she had assumed he would’ve come to her when he was ready to talk. She was right in assuming that, she just never thought it would lead to this much pain.

“I saw pictures of us a couple of weeks ago,” Steve had said then, and his face had been so serious.

She put her phone away to give him her utmost attention, “The ones in the tabloid?”

“Yeah, the paparazzi snapped pictures of us being… affectionate.” 

“Right…” 

“And I started thinking…”

“Oh, this can’t be good.” 

“I’m afraid it isn’t.”

“Well? Spit it out.”

“I started thinking about how dangerous my life is. I’ve always known that. You have too… but it didn’t hit me — or maybe I didn’t want it to hit me — how easily you could fall prey to my enemies too, if I wasn’t careful enough.”

[Y/N] raised her shoulders. “Enemies are nothing new. You’re forgetting I worked for S.H.I.E.L.D. too, right?”

“Yes, but you were always out of harm’s way. You were never part of the action.”

“And I’m not going to be…”

“But you could be. Those pictures… when the wrong people see that. You could be in danger.” 

“What are you talking about?” [Y/N] was growing confused and annoyed. Could he hurry up his thought process, so she could understand? What was his point? She turned her body towards him, her knees resting on the couch and touching the side of his thigh. He glanced down at them, his hand stroking them for a second… 

“What happened at Tony’s party. I don’t know what I would’ve done had you been in the city… if you were attending.” 

“That turned out ok.” 

“No, no, it didn’t. Helen, doctor Cho, got kidnapped, remember?” 

“Oh, right…” 

“Bad things keep happening to us and to the people we love… or even people like Helen who just happen to be near us.” 

[Y/N] stroked his arm, what was going on with him. “Steve…”  

“Look at Thor.” 

“What about Thor?”

“He embraced Jane into his life, and look what happened.”

“She’s fine!”

“But she almost wasn’t. She was almost dead. And now she left him, as she should have.” 

“You’re overreacting.”

“I’m really not. Ask Pepper. Pepper’s been in danger numerous times.” 

“And she’s still together with Tony. Happily.”

“And she had to risk her life. Not so happily.”

Exasperation was boiling inside of her. Why was he arguing about this with her? They’d been together for so long… why did it matter now? She stood up from the couch and threw her hands in the air. “Jesus, Steve. It’s my life, _I_ get to fucking decide.”

“Look [Y/N], it’s not that.” — He rose too, meeting her angry gaze — “It’s… Trust me, I want you more than anything, but I’m not just any man, and I can’t give up the responsibilities I chose to uphold a long time ago. It wouldn’t be right. I couldn’t no matter how much I might want to. And _you_ , you were such a surprise… such a wonderful surprise. I love you. I really do, my sweetheart.” — Steve stepped closer and his big hands held on to her jaw, the tips of his fingers grazing over the nape of her neck, and his forehead rested against hers, his touch softening her — “And that’s why I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if something happens to you, because I’m too selfish to give you up… because I love you too much. That’s going to be on me. I can’t live with that, [Y/N]. I really can’t.” 

“What… _what_ are you saying, Steve?” 

“I think we should break up.” 

 

***

 

[Y/N] brought the green tea mug to her lips and stirred it with her teaspoon to make sure the honey had melted. He made it just the way she preferred it. The amber liquid rippled around the spoon, and she inhaled the comforting fragrance of her raspberry infused mint tea again. [Y/N] hoped that after tonight, the scent would remain comforting… and not remind her of this moment. She sipped on the drink, slowly moving her head from left to right, trying to somehow physically relax and will her headache away. 

They were sitting again. They were quiet again. 

She didn’t come here to pick a fight with him, though it did feel good to scream at him… but only for a second, and then she felt worse. No, it wasn’t why she was here. Her bleeding heart needed mending. She came to talk. She came to listen. She came to beg, maybe. She came for herself, because she needed him so. Was Steve aware? It happened last time… he let her in again today… He must know that it wasn’t just the small things she was missing. 

[Y/N] told him about her night… about the jazz bar, and he listened attentively. She recounted a funny run-in she had with Tony when she went to look for Bruce, and his eyes shone when she smiled. It was hard for her to look into his eyes, not only because of how miserable and weak she felt for being here with him, and holding herself back from pleading with him to take her back, but also because of all the promises that she once saw in his eyes… those beautiful promises they were no longer there. Just pain and regret. 

Taking a deep breath, she tried to keep her emotions at bay. Could she not cry for a change? There was a limit to how much she could keep a bolt on her heart, and every now and then… when she had been alone or surrounded by her loved ones for too long, those damned unstoppable feelings came rushing out. They came gushing out… thick, strong, crimson, and sticky. It blurred her thoughts and drained her life… 

After they had finished their drinks, Steve stood up and made new raspberry infused mint tea for them. He placed the mugs in the middle of the kitchen island, and the sweet scent drifted into the air again. The wonderful memories she had with him. Everything was past tense now. Past tense and cold, and she needed it to be different tonight.

“I don’t think I can bear to sleep alone tonight, Steve.” 

“ _[Y/N]_ …”

“Can I stay… just tonight?”

Steve looked heavenward and exhaled deeply before returning his eyes on her, “We… we shouldn’t. Nothing good will come from this.” 

“I know… but I need you.” Her eyes welled up again, and she fingered the hem of his white shirt, the tips of her fingers skimming his hip bone and digging into his sweatpants. She needed him so she could forget… remember, somehow make it through. “Please…”

She looked away… to his chest. It was embarrassing to ask him, and she feared he’d turn her down. There was always that chance. His chest rose and fell gently, with each rise his muscles tautened, and his hand gripped the back of her chair… added some force to it and slid it to the side. The legs of the high chair screeched over the kitchen tiles, the ear-splitting sound coming to a stop when her knees faced his upright figure…

“I hate the sadness in your eyes. I hate that I put it there,” Steve said as he tried to find her eyes again. His voice came out rough, laden with emotion, and he twisted his hips until they were resting between her bare legs. She let him in again, into her eyes, and she nodded… to everything he wasn’t saying. Steve’s hands crawled up her knees and slunk up her legs to the side of her thighs. [Y/N] held in her breath, the delicacy of his touch softened the burden in her heart and inflamed the tingle in her loins. 

[Y/N] scooted forward on the chair, trying to feel more of his body against her inner thighs, and when the chair canted along with her and she almost lost her balance, his big hands took a firm hold of her ass… She fastened her cold legs around his waist, and he crashed his lips on hers while he moved aside his chair and sat her down on the kitchen island. The swiftness made her gasp, and he took advantage of it, sweeping his warm tongue over her upper lip before finding her tongue. Oh, how he made her melt within seconds. Her hands raked through his perfect hair, disheveling it, pulling his head back, pushing his mouth harder against hers, responding with the same ardor he was giving her. _Oh_ , how she only fucking needed him. 

Only him. 

Steve sighed into her lips, digging his nails deep into her skin and dragging them upwards over her shivering figure… unearthing all the wants and needs that she had buried since last time. His minty breath trailed along the curves of her ear, neck, and shoulder, his lips planting unyielding kisses where she ached for it the most. Flashes of desire sprouted in big batches throughout her body. 

It made her lean forward, it made her search for more of him and less space. All of him with nothing between them. She tugged at his shirt, and he removed it in an instant, revealing that hard body of his that always made hers go soft. She ran her hand over his abdomen and pulled him back on her mouth, their breaths growing increasingly more ragged and desperate, and their touches less delicate.

“Let’s get you out of these cold clothes,” Steve said, and he urged the hem of her short dress over her hips, her breasts, her head. He put the fabric behind her on the kitchen island, and pressed hard kisses on the exposed parts of her breasts while he dragged down the straps and unclasped her bra at once. With a soft whimper she leaned back on the palm of her hand on the island and pushed her chest forward. Steve rolled his tongue around her tautened nipples, sucking on them with his lips, squeezing them with his fingers. It intensified the burn between her legs… 

Not even having to say a word to him, because he knew how her body responded to him, Steve already moved his hand down to feel just how intense the burn was for her. He rubbed his fingers over the thin fabric of her panties twice and her moisture seeped through. A harsh groan against her lips, and Steve jerked down the fabric… Not waiting for her to move along with him, he hoisted her body with one arm and dragged the underwear over her ass, all the way down until it hung on one foot, already forgotten. 

Their tongues found one another again, savoring, twirling… Their teeth nipping and marking… Their sighs and moans growing breathier. His kisses still tasted as sweet, even if they now contained a tinge of hopelessness, she’d take it all. She’d take anything. One hand grasped her hair while the other roamed down her figure to take hold of his cock. He had pulled it out of his sweatpants, and she forced the garment to the ground with her feet and he stepped out of it. He took away all the space between them, all the distance gone, when he situated his cock at her entrance and stretched her… 

“Oh, _[Y/N]_ …” Steve’s words came out painfully after the tip of his cock was seated inside of her, and he had to steady himself on the kitchen island when she wrapped her arms around his shoulders and tensed up. Sucking in his breath, Steve glided in and out of her slowly until his cock was covered in her slick and the movement was smooth. The fit was perfect, he filled up the void she kept feeling, and now… she was whole again. “Hmm. I missed this… I missed you,” Steve murmured through his kisses.

“ _Ahh_ , me too.” Those words. Oh, those words. [Y/N] blinked away her tears. Did he know how much those words meant to her? Did he know how they made her tremble to her core? All she wanted was for Steve to show her he ached like she ached… that he was broken without her, the way she was broken without him… that he had been foolish in ending things… that… that… this was where they belonged, together… wrapped up in each other. “Ahhhmm, Steve. _Ah_. I-I need you.”

Steve grunted, obliging her, and kissed her harder. 

“Ahh, just like that. Ah, please like that.” A faint scent of raspberries and mint still lingered in the air, their unfinished teas —probably  cold by now — still conjured up sweet memories; memories that were just as sweet and satisfying as it was to have his cock inside of her again. Maybe even sweeter, because she knew it wouldn’t last… She knew… When his thrusts sped up, delving deep in her, her mind finally went blank and she held on to him tightly with her arms and legs… “Oh, God. Ah. Ah. _Ah_.” Every single one of his increasing thrusts forced the air out of her lungs, burning her all over. 

There was nothing that could come close to this. 

Nothing compared. 

_No one_. 

Then he did another thing like no other, Steve wetted his thumb between her lips and dragged it down to her clit, steadily rubbing over her indigent nerves… He sucked on her earlobe, he licked the nape of her neck, he ran his teeth over her shoulder and bit the bow gently… All the wordless ways in which he brought her closer to her climax.Every nook and cranny of her body belonged to him. There were no secrets. 

“That’s it. You’re doing so good, sweetheart,” He cooed, and added more pressure with his thumb and she shivered at his words, “Ohh, I can feel you tensing up. I’m close too.”

“Don’t stop… God, Steve, don’t stop.” 

“I’m not. _Hmm_. I won’t.”

Just like that he made her feverish, a hot sweat washing over her trembling figure. She dropped her head back, her fingers carrying herself on his kitchen island, and her back arched in a pained pleasure… She cried out his name, and Steve brought her to the edge, his hands on her, insisting and persisting, and then he set her free.

It was quiet.

It was beautiful.

And for a moment she was happy.

But then reality set in again. She came for him, heaving and quivering. She came so hard around his cock it brought back all her emotions: the aching, the despair, the yearning for things that were no longer hers… and it wrecked her.

Steve was panting, his head on her breasts, his breath wheezing over her nipple, and she felt him rolling his hips softly, his cock still deep inside of her… savoring her warmth, her pull, like he always did after he came undone. He lifted his head and kissed her lazily. A fine coat of perspiration on his neck and chest sheened in the effulgent kitchen lights. 

He didn’t say anything, because what was there left to say? 

Nothing had changed. 

Steve swept his long fingers through her hair, brushing away the messy locks that covered her face, and then he traced her eyebrow… his eyes following his fingers, like he was memorizing her features. He gazed at her intently… at her lips, her jaw, the curve of her neck… into her eyes. She sat like a statue, the thudding of her heart overwhelming any thoughts she might’ve had otherwise. He had complete power over her… he still did. 

Oh, how she wished things were different.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end. **Thank you for reading.** Comments and kudos are appreciated.  
>  Find me on [Tumblr](https://existentialmalaises.tumblr.com/).


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